Yet Another Biblical Character

Alright, so I met the Virgin Mary the other day. She was an amazing woman, although the priest that she was assaulting might not think so. I’m sure that he forgave her, because that’s what priest do. But someone called the police because even the Virgin Mary doesn’t get a pass when she assaults someone. I’m not sure what the argument was over but it ended with Mary being brought to the Psych triage for assessment. Some might be intimidated by assessing the Virgin Mary, but I’ve grown accustomed to assessing important high level people. I’ve assessed several FBI agents, countless CIA operatives, several from outer space, dozens of musicians, and endless so called celebrities, one Pope and the antichrist.

I received a guy who thought that he was popular Tejano singer. He came in with 3 pagers, 4 cell phones, telling me that he could not stay over night because he had a gig the next day and that he needed to get to. He promised if I could get him discharged he would come back the next weekend and do a performance in the ER parking lot for all of us for free. I told him that could not happen. He said that his gig was for then Governor Bush who was running for president. He wanted to make a call to the Secret Service so that maybe they could get him out. I encouraged him not to from my history with that agency, they tend to overplay anything to do with the people they are in charge of protecting. Of course he called them and they called me asking if he presented a danger to the Governor. I admitted that he seemed harmless to me, just delusional that he was set to perform for Governor Bush. They let him off with just a warning not to call them again.

Such is the life in psych. You meet all kinds of wonderful people. I’m not complaining it’s what makes my job interesting. Of course I’d much rather meet these people for real instead of some psychotic delusion. Although, I would probably be more intimidated by them in real life, I mean who would not be nervous in front of the Pope or Jesus’s Mom. These “celebrities” are pretty infrequent; we get mainly your normal everyday “Joes”

Let me give a rundown of some of the “regular Joes” we get. There are the ones that arrive before the rain or cold fronts come in. They have been suicidal for months but have picked this very advantageous day to come in seeking shelter….er……safety from themselves. We have the distraught loved one, who has been left by his or her boyfriend or girlfriend, for someone else. They have consumed alcoholic beverages and taken 5 Tylenol tablets (I took almost that much just to feel like coming to work) because they don’t want to live anymore. Now the moment that their ex does not appear concerned, and they begin to feel nauseous, they call 911 for help. Do you remember when your Mother told you not to “cross your eyes” because they can stick like that? It’s a good that “rolling your eyes” is not in that same category because mine would have been spinning for years by now.

Now don’t get me wrong, we do occasionally get a “real” patient, someone who is really mentally ill. But they are not the norm, but the exception, which is what makes my job hard, weeding out the poor drabble that are seeking shelter from the storms of life or the truly ill patient that needs help. More and more these days you find Doctors that think along the lines that you do and refer these hapless patients out, while still admitting the helpless ones. I had a Doctor that I worked with once before that would not admit Borderline Personality Disorder patients. He contention was that they are better treated in the out-patient setting and seem to just get worse while in-patient. I remember a Borderline patient that knew that the Doctor would be arriving soon through the double doors and placed herself prostrate in front of the doors having what I would call a pseudo-seizure. When the Doctor arrived, he calmly stepped over the patient without saying a word. He went straight to her chart and wrote an order for discharge, without even talking to her once. I had another Doctor when they found out that this patient was seeking shelter by stating that they were having thoughts of jumping off a bridge, ordered the patient discharge and make a comment to provide them with a Mapquest to the bridge. Now we are not so heartless to encourage a patient to jump off a bridge but with the lack of beds these days, there is a mindset that we keep beds open for those that need them. There are shelters where these homeless “want to be” patients can go for shelter.

We get several families that want to admit their loved one for drug and alcohol treatment against their will. Of course this is not allowed in Texas, except in cases where the patient has caused bodily harm as in a drunken driving accident, but this is by a judges ruling only. When we try to explain this to the families they become angry and say that we just don’t want to help them. Sometimes they get mental health warrants by lying to the judge and telling them that their loved one is suicidal when they are not, and are just seeking help for their addiction. They are places for them to go to seek treatment, not in a psychiatric facility.

So here I sit, guarding the doorway to the psych units. One hand on my pen, the other on the Mapquest button, unfortunately both require time and effort on my part. It’s a never dull, unending post that I sit at, with the fate of everyone that enters in the balance. But if done right, and we always do the right thing, we leave with no one hurt, and I can sleep nights knowing that we’ve helped the ones that need it and sent the ones out that don’t.